I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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