I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
