I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
