Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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