I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
