Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
