I can tuck mytits in my pants
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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