and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize