Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
