Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
