Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
