Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
