I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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