Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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