when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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