Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
