Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
time to smoke my breakfast
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
