I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
