im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
