i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
