I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
