everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize