Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize