When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
