we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
