I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
