Pregnant stripper...not hot.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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