You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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