i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize