i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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