Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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