Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
