I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
