I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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