Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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