he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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