i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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