he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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