Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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