Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
