You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
