Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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