I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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