Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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