My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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