We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
