If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
