Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
