the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
