Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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