I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
