HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
