I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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