I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
