HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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