my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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