end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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