they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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