the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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