she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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