I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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