Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
