He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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