final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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