I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
