Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
