You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
